By: Michael Hertzog (Author & Teacher)
🎶“Walk, walk, walk. Walk in their shoes…”🎶
Some of you may recognize this song from Second Step: a social-emotional curriculum that has been used throughout the United States for years. So no, it’s not just you who had to listen to this song in elementary school, over and over and over again. As a 5th grader teacher in the Northshore School District, I was right alongside you in this journey through bad child-actors and poorly-produced productions. I knew it wasn’t great, and I knew my 5th graders thought it was childish, but I also knew that learning empathy was, and is, a ridiculously important part of supporting childrens' mental health. Since then, I’ve learned a lot about what we need in order to be emotionally and mentally healthy, and while I still fully believe in 'social-emotional learning,' I think it’s time we move on to the next step.
But what’s the next step after we’ve been told, for years, to have empathy for others? Through my own journey, and supporting others in theirs, I’ve realized that the next step might actually be backwards.
Now, I’m not talking about regressing, by any means. I’m thinking more like a prequel: movies that explain the backstory to popular plots or beloved characters. You can likely think of one that has come out over the last few years. Like a prequel, I want to encourage you to take time to look back, to understand what has made you who you are. What difficult experiences have you been through? Do you find it hard to show yourself empathy? Are there reasons you find it hard to love yourself, have grace for yourself, and believe in yourself? Just as you would take some time to get to know the backstory of Darth Vader or how some robots received the power to transform, I encourage you to take time to understand your own backstory.
We often find it easier to have grace and empathy for others who have been through difficult times, but what about you? Shouldn’t you give yourself the same empathy that you were taught to give others? Of course, but curriculums like Second Step seem to have largely bypassed this pivotal point. It’s very difficult to do the things they preach, like setting goals, working with others, being confident, and making healthy decisions, if you haven’t learned how to believe in and trust yourself. And that’s one area where I believe we can do better.
So what does this look like? Well, I’m not a psychologist, but I do frequent one and learn from many others on YouTube University, and here’s what helped me start to believe in myself.
Allow yourself some time and space away from people who don’t believe in you. Maybe you have had a teacher, social or religious leader, sibling, some other kid, or even a parent, who has somehow caused you to doubt yourself. Maybe you have been taught to trust other people more than you trust yourself. Whatever the case, make some space for your own thoughts. You know yourself better than anyone else, so you have the privilege of recognizing the good in yourself that others may be missing.
If you have a hard time loving yourself, or gaining confidence, focus on small victories to boost your self-worth. They may seem silly in the moment, but when done continually, the evidence builds up little by little, and you will soon start believing in yourself.. You can actually start noticing the effects pretty quickly.
As you likely know, most things in life that are worth your time, take time. Though we would love for things to go faster, it’s just not reality. Giving yourself time and grace when you make mistakes will move you forward. I guarantee it. The more small successes you can focus on, and the more you can give yourself grace to try again, the quicker your progress. But you can’t give up. I know it’s easier said than done, but you WILL NOT regret it. There's a quote by an author named Art Williams that I share with others going through difficult times: “I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, but I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.” I fully believe this, because I have seen it be true many times over, including in my own life.
Everyone has their own journey and I won’t pretend to know just what you’ve been through. However, I am familiar with being human, and I can guarantee you that what you’re going through is because you’re simply a human that was raised by other humans who didn’t get the full support they needed, and we all have that in common. You are not broken, or worthless, or deserving of guilt and shame. You deserve acceptance, support, and love…and by reflecting on where you’ve come from, how it affected you, and who you really are or want to be, you can take that next step…which really should have been the first step.
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